


illegal vlogging

by kate882



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Vigilantism, they don't have powers they're just behaving like that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27017008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate882/pseuds/kate882
Summary: What on earth was the point of being a criminal if you couldn’t be dramatic and self serving while doing it? The only valid answer would be to flirt with the Witcher, but Jaskier was good at multitasking. He could be dramatic, promote his music, and flirt with the very attractive vigilante all at the same time.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 5
Kudos: 112





	illegal vlogging

**Author's Note:**

> based on my own [post](https://kate882.tumblr.com/post/630600192809418752/kate882-modern-superhero-au-where-jaskier) on tumblr where I was just trying to be funny but then couldn't stop thinking about it

Jaskier loved being the Bard. He was sure there were a few people who suspected him, except that it couldn’t be proven, so it didn’t give him too much trouble after the first few months. 

It was his own fault really for making his entrance to his own music, but what on earth was the point of being a criminal if you couldn’t be dramatic and self serving while doing it? The only valid answer would be to flirt with the Witcher, but Jaskier was good at multitasking. He could be dramatic, promote his music, and flirt with the very attractive vigilante all at the same time. 

He had expanded his playlist since his entrance. Let it never be said he didn’t give back to his fans. While he still used his own music quite often, he did let people send him their music and if it slapped he’d use it in the videos he made for his Bard YouTube channel. If they really slapped he’d sometimes use them while actually doing one of his hits. 

The Bard mostly engaged in vandalism and the occasional theft. Primarily against places caught up in scandal. 

All in all he’d say things were going great. His music was actually making him some money. He got to dress up like a bard at a renfair with a mask and have a fun night semi regularly. And he firmly believed he had a chance with the Witcher. Things were great.

* * *

Jaskier, better known as the Bard, was a pain in Geralt’s ass. If life could give him one blessing it would be for that idiot to stick to performing in seedy bars and stop wasting Geralt’s fucking time. 

Yes, he could easily solve that problem himself by turning the other man over to the police. But Jaskier was mostly harmless. Geralt wasn’t in the business of handing over people who weren’t even hurting anyone. 

So, he reluctantly put up with the Bard’s antics when he ran across him as the Witcher, and occasionally actually kept him from getting arrested. Which didn’t help his relationship with the police considering Jaskier tended to actually post videos of his criminal activities. But Geralt had never much cared for what others thought of him. And maybe Jaskier was okay company every now and then. That was a hard maybe though. 

* * *

“Oh, Witcher, good you’re just in time to see- hey what are you doing!” Jaskier let out an indignant yelp when he was grabbed by the collar of his doublet and the Witcher started dragging him away from the homophobic store he’d been covering in rainbows. “You’re going to wrinkle it,” he whined, aiming his camera towards the Witcher and then panning over for one last look at his -almost- completed work. 

“There was an attempted murder a block away. The cops will notice you here,” the Witcher told him gruffly, not letting up on his grip on Jaskier’s collar. 

“Well, I’d rather hope they’re more occupied with the attempted murderer than me,” Jaskier muttered, turning the camera back to the vigilante. “I do appreciate the rescue though. My true knight in shining armor. Should I reward you with a kiss?” He would have winked if the mask wouldn’t cover it, so he made sure to put enough flirtation into his voice to make up for it. 

“No. You can reward me by going home, Bard.” 

“With yo-“ 

“By yourself. I have more important things to deal with.” 

“Like attempted murders,” Jaskier grinned at him and got an unimpressed look for his efforts. 

“Yes,” the Witcher said flatly. 

“I’m guessing you have something to do with the attempted status?” Jaskier tried to hold his arm out at an angle where he could get both of them in the shot as he was half dragged towards… actually this was the direction of his apartment but they weren’t particularly close to it. 

“Hmm.” As good as a confirmation from the Witcher. 

“How heroic,” Jaskier pretended to swoon, only staying upright because of the grip on his collar. A grip that the Witcher seemed to be sorely considering releasing upon Jaskier’s dramatics, so he scrambled to get better footing just in case. 

As it turned out the Witcher didn’t release him for another block, so it was fine. 

“Thanks again for the rescue,” Jaskier beamed when the Witcher didn’t say anything, opting to stare him down instead. “Yes, yes, I’ll leave. More important things to do, I know, just hold this for a moment,” he waved off the look, passing the Witcher his camera. He got the distinct feeling he was on thin ice, but his camera was being held. “It would seem that’s all for tonight, dear hearts. It’s been lovely, but my good friend-“ (“not your friend”) “the Witcher here might break my camera again if I stay out much later.” That had only happened once, very early in, but it was the principle of the thing. “Until next time.” He blew a kiss at the camera (Geralt) and took it back, shutting the device off. 

* * *

Jaskier was, unfortunately, one of the few people completely unafraid of Geralt. Certainly the only criminal he’d met unafraid of the Witcher. 

It might be nice if it wasn’t so annoying. 

And if it didn’t mean that Jaskier never fucking listened to him. 

“Bard, get out of here,” he said through gritted teeth as he heard Jaskier -or rather the music Jaskier was playing to announce his entrance- right before he saw him stride into the alleyway where Geralt was trying to wrestle a gun out of the hand of a would be mugger. He already had to worry about the victim of the almost mugging cowering behind him without worrying about Jaskier too. 

“This does look like a sticky situation. Sure you don’t want me to help?” Jaskier asked casually. When had he had time to set up a tripod for that damn camera? It left his hands free, for all the good that was. Jaskier was not the kind of criminal that got into fights, to Geralt’s knowledge. 

“Help by leaving.” 

The gunman took advantage of Geralt’s moment of distraction to get his arm free and point the gun squarely at Geralt’s head. 

… and then he was twitching on the ground with Jaskier standing behind him making a face like he wasn’t quite sure what the next move was as he held onto the tazer he seemed to have used. 

When he looked to Geralt with brows furrowed and biting at his lower lip hard enough it might start bleeding soon Geralt knew that the panic wasn’t aimed  _ at  _ him but that Jaskier was looking to him to resolve it. Geralt was not going to examine the butterflies that set off. He was just annoyed.

“Don’t do that when someone has their finger on a trigger,” he reprimanded, taking the gun before telling Jaskier to stop electrocuting the guy.

“The safety was on,” Jaskier told him as Geralt zip tied the gunman’s wrists together. 

He glanced at the gun and then Jaskier with mild surprise. So it was. 

Jaskier mostly seemed to have relaxed now that the gun was out of play and he didn’t have to wield his weapon either. Speaking of… “Since when do you carry a taser?” 

“Since day one. I also have pepper spray, but that didn’t seem like the best option.” Jaskier brushed past him to the man pressed up against the allywall behind Geralt. “You alright, mate?” Jaskier asked with a disarming smile. 

“Yeah I- thanks.” The man offered Jaskier a shaky smile in return. 

“You’re quite welcome,” Jaskier patted the man’s shoulder, the friendly gesture seeming to ease him further, “but the Witcher here is who you should really be thanking. I just stopped by because I saw him. I’m not usually the vigilante type.” 

“... thanks Witcher.” The tone was much more reluctant. Figured, Jaskier was too fucking likable. Even though he was the villain- although everyone except Jaskier himself would probably categorize him closer to vigilante- he put victims more at ease than Geralt did. 

“Bard, I’m paging the cops to pick up our friend here. You might want to scram.” 

“Oh!” Jaskier glanced over at him. “Yes, I suppose that would be my cue. Thanks for the heads up.” 

He did at least bother to blur the faces of the mugger and victim when Geralt looked at his video later. 

* * *

“Is that- oh my god are you the Shrike?” Jaskier turned his camera over to face the hooded figure that paused at the name. “You are! I’m a huge fan!” He waved excitedly. 

“You’re the Bard,” she eyed his camera, but shrugged and walked over. It wasn’t like people didn’t know what Renfri (often called the Shrike) looked like. They just couldn’t find her to do anything about it. “I’ve watched some of your videos.” 

“Really?” Jaskier put an only slightly over dramatic hand over his heart. “That means a lot! I’ve been following your work for like three years now. Do you think you can help me out here really quick? Having a bit of trouble with the lock. I’d offer to return the favor, but as much as I admire your ability to stab rapists I’m not quite as good with the stabby stuff myself.” 

“I really should be going,” Renfri jerked her thumb in the direction she’d been heading. “The police are going to be looking for me.”

“Oh~ just finished a job then? Any chance I can get some early info?” 

Renfri laughed. “You can read about it in the news like everyone else. But I really should - oh wait.” She squinted at the office building Jaskier was trying to break into. “Wait, is this the office of that scumbag who’s been underpaying and mistreating his female employees?” 

“The very one.” Jaskier held up his printed news article- a calling card if you wanted to call it that, leaving a reason behind at the scene. 

She looked at the lock with a contemplative expression. “Yeah, I can unlock it for you really fast.” 

“It’s cool that I keep this in the video, right?”

“Oh, yeah sure, why not,” she shrugged without looking up from her work.

“And you’re sure you don’t want to come up and smash up the patriarchy with me? Literally, I brought a baseball bat.” Jaskier waved his duffle bag temptingly. 

“I’ll watch the video on it,” She patted his cheek as she passed him, the door open already. 

Jaskier waited until she was gone to gush to his camera about how he couldn’t believe he’d actually gotten to meet her and how cool she was. He’d cut at least half of that out. She was going to be watching after all. 

* * *

“Only you would be stupid enough to have a casual conversation with the Shrike and get her to help you with your video,” Geralt grumbled, stepping up behind the Bard, who was currently occupied with picking a lock.

Jaskier didn’t so much as startle, simply turning to grin at Geralt. “Jealousy isn’t a good look, darling. I’m sure you’ll get to talk to her someday.” 

Geralt raised an eyebrow. “Not everyone wants to hold conversation with serial killers.”

“I’d classify her more vigilante. She’s doing what you do. Just more specific. And stabby.” Jaskier made a stabbing motion with his empty hand like he was running an invisible pike into Geralt’s chest. “Which is impressive considering you carry around two swords.”

“She and I do not do the same thing,” Geralt informed him. 

“Don’t worry, Witcher, you still have my heart. Just because I’m a fan of her does not diminish how much I long for you,” the Bard lilted and Geralt kind of wanted to strangle him. Maybe that would get rid of the fluttery feeling in his chest he got whenever Jaskier said stupid shit like that. 

“C’mon, you’re done for the night,” he said instead of addressing any of what Jaskier had said. 

“What? No I’m not, I haven’t even gone insid- Hey!” Jaskier yelped when Geralt tossed him over his shoulder, careful of the swords on his back, and started walking away, grabbing Jaskier’s camera as he went. 

“I have more important things to worry about than you doing whatever you were going to do in there.” 

“Such as?” Jaskier was struggling, but Geralt was perfectly capable of handling it. Jaskier wasn’t exactly a small man, nearly as tall as Geralt, but Geralt was still almost twice his size in muscle. 

“Real criminals, Bard. People who hurt other people.”

“You are aware that you can just leave me be then? You don’t have to manhandle me away from what I’m doing if you’re oh so fucking busy.” 

Geralt set him down in front of the subway station. “Go home.” He shoved the camera into Jaskier’s hands. “If I catch you out and about tonight with that mask on I’m turning you over.” 

* * *

“Alright. Fine. I have a better plan anyway. Sorry dear hearts,” Jaskier told his camera, “you cannot come with me for this one.” 

* * *

“Where is it?” Geralt stormed into Jaskier’s apartment just as it appeared Jaskier was heading out. 

“Wh- how did you get in here?” He asked indignantly, backing up as Geralt prowled closer to him. The idiot still didn’t look scared. Just surprised. 

His back hit the wall and Geralt crowded into his space. “The sword, Jaskier. Where. Is. It.” 

Jaskier had the absolute audacity to grin at him, and he got to see the way those blue eyes sparkled when they weren’t hidden behind a mask. “Oh, you mean the sword that the Bard tweeted about stealing from the Witcher? To whom, you sir, look incredibly similar?” Jaskier had posted a selfie of himself in costume holding Geralt’s sword captioned ‘Am I holding this right? Don’t worry Witcher, you’ll get it back ;)’. He had not been holding it right.

Geralt growled and grabbed a fistful of Jaskier’s v-neck. 

“Haven’t the faintest,” Jaskier said breezily, waving his hand around. “Have you considered asking the Bard?”

“I am asking him.” Geralt aimed his most menacing glare at Jaskier, the one that had gotten him information countless times, and once even got someone to faint. 

“Oohhh~ scary face.” Jaskier was laughing at him. He was laughing and reaching up to poke Geralt’s cheek.

Geralt grabbed Jaskier’s wrist before he could, slamming it against the wall. Jaskier stopped laughing. 

His face actually looked a little red. 

“The sword.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m going to search this place if you don’t just tell me,” Geralt threatened. 

Jaskier squinted at him. “You don’t have a warrant,” he said like this was a trump card of some kind.

“I’m not a cop, Jaskier. I don’t need a warrant. And you’re not going to call the cops either.” 

“I mean, no, I’m not, but you didn’t know that,” Jaskier protested. 

“Hmm.” Geralt let go of Jaskier and started looking around. He did, in fact, know that. If Jaskier wanted people to know who Geralt was he would have brought his camera when he broke into Geralt’s apartment and stole one of his swords in some kind of petty revenge act for Geralt interrupting his hit. Gods knew that Jaskier had probably just about died with the effort to restrain himself from dramatizing that. 

“Even if I  _ were _ the Bard, you think I’d keep that stuff at my apartment? The police actually have gotten a warrant before.” Jaskier was leaning in the doorway of his tiny apartment’s living room as Geralt searched around. “I’d complain about the mess you’re making but… well I wasn’t expecting company.” 

“If you’re worried about the mess you could spare me some trouble and just tell me where it is.” 

“I’m not ‘worried’, per say, but I definitely don’t appreciate it.” 

“Jaskier.” Geralt gave him a hard look, and finally Jaskier buckled. Though, he rolled his eyes and sagged his shoulders like Geralt was taking away all of his fun, which wasn’t really the reaction he’d been going for. If it got the job done though, he supposed he could live with it. 

“Fine, fine, it’s not in here though. I really don’t keep my Bard stuff in my own apartment. C’mon.” He gestured for Geralt to follow him out of the apartment, locking the door behind him and then heading over to the elevator. 

He expected to be taken to a nearby self storage lot. Instead Jaskier hit the up button. 

“Yen, my landlord, uses the top floor for storage. Lets me practice my music up there sometimes too, since it’s a little more soundproof than my own apartment. And she’s got so much shady shit of her own there’s no way she’d mention it to the cops when they come knocking to search my place,” Jaskier explained as they went up, using a different key this time. 

Geralt looked around and mostly just saw boxes and furniture. “Well. Where is it?”

“Someone didn’t roll good on their perception check,” Jaskier tsked. When Geralt just stared at him blankly he gave Geralt a disbelieving look in return. “Like DND?” Geralt didn’t have the faintest idea what he was talking about. “Dungeons and Dragons?” That he could at least say he recognized, but he still didn’t get what it had to do with anything. “I’m literally called the Bard, Geralt. This is ridiculous.” 

Jaskier grumbled the whole way to the center of the room, where he knelt down for some reason. And then lifted up part of the floor, the loose panels taking a bit of work by the looks of it, but they came up nonetheless, and from the hole Jaskier produced Geralt’s sword. 

“What was your end game with this?” Geralt asked as he took his sword back, looking it over for any damage since apparently Jaskier had been storing it in a fucking hole in the floor. 

Jaskier shrugged. “To suggest dueling you for it and break my view count record.” 

“You would get destroyed,” Geralt said flatly, arching unimpressed eyebrows. 

“Well yeah. I never planned to  _ keep it _ after all. Although destroyed feels a little harsh. I did take fencing for several years in my youth.” 

Geralt eyed him doubtfully, but didn’t argue. “How did you find it?” 

“I imagine much in the same way you found my apartment. I will be clear though, I would not have stalked you around for your identity just to steal your sword if I wasn’t at least 75% sure that you’d already done it to me. Passing grade. And considering how fast you showed up here: I passed.” 

“Hmm.” Geralt put the sword back in it’s sheath and shoving it into the duffle bag he’d brought with him so he wouldn’t be spotted walking around with a sword out in the open. 

“Oh hey though!” Jaskier beamed at him. “Bright side! Now that we know each other’s identities we can hang out outside of vigilante activities and sword related intimidation attempts,” he was even doing something like jazz hands like the musical theater nerd that Geralt was 100% positive Jaskier was. 

“Why would we do that?” Geralt asked dismissively as he started walking back to the elevator, Jaskier following at his heels. 

“Why wouldn’t we do that?” Jaskier countered. 

“If you steal my sword again, I’m going to run it through you,” Geralt informed him.

Jaskier laughed like he was joking, as they stepped into the elevator. “Sure you will. Anyway, I was about to go get food before you so rudely burst into my apartment, wanna come with me?” He pressed the button for the ground floor. 

Geralt meant to tell him no. Jaskier was being a pain in the ass, and would surely only take Geralt going along with it as encouragement. But…

“Hmm.”

Jaskier’s smile was bright enough to light up the building. “Alright, it’s a date then.” 

But the idiot took everything he did as encouragement, and as long as he wasn’t stealing Geralt’s shit it wasn’t so bad. 


End file.
